You know what, I hate myself at times.
Well… most of the times.

And you ask why?

Because I can’t see the change I’m working for. Nothing is progressing. There’s no visible result, nothing that makes me feel like all this time, all this overthinking, all this effort is leading somewhere.

And maybe that’s what hurts more.
because I am trying.

It’s just so frustrating at times that I want to run away, go somewhere quiet, hide a little… or maybe just cry and not explain anything to anyone.

All it takes is one failure, one setback.
and suddenly you’re right back where you thought you started.

Like nothing changed.

But the truth is… something did.

Because this version of me that I’m so frustrated with right now.
this overthinking, careful, slightly broken but trying version.

I built her.

I protected her.

At some point, she was necessary.

She made sure I didn’t make the same mistakes again.
She made me pause before trusting, before jumping, before breaking the same way twice.

She was not weak.
She was… survival.

But now… I think I’m outgrowing her.

And that’s the confusing part.

Because how do you let go of a version of yourself
that once kept you safe?

Life is a cycle, they say, not a straight road.
We keep going back to the same things again and again after failing multiple times.

But maybe not as the same person.

Maybe each time, we return with different intentions..
to learn, to understand, or sometimes just to sit with what went wrong.

Sometimes it feels like an emotional loop with no way out.
Like you’re stuck in the same place.

But from a bird’s-eye view… it looks like growth.

I get a little..very little, maybe just a tiny bit ..wiser with each failure, each mistake.

Yes, from the outside, it might look like I’ve become quieter.
Slower.
Maybe even unsure.

But truly… I’m just thinking more now.

Maybe one step ahead.
Maybe a thousand steps ahead before I begin anything again.

I’ve become more careful.
More aware.
More intentional.

And maybe that’s not going backwards—
maybe that’s just growing differently.

Damn, I can be a mess sometimes.

But I also know this..
I don’t want to stay stuck in a version of me just because she feels familiar.

I don’t want to hide behind the same protection that once helped me survive, but now holds me back.

I want to explore what I’m capable of.

I don’t want it easy.
I want to feel things, even if that means breaking a little, crying when things don’t work out, questioning everything—

but still choosing to try again.

Restart.

No success or failure defines who you are.
It’s just how you choose to see things.

So if you take anything from this slightly emotional, slightly chaotic version of my thoughts—take this:

You define your path.

How you want to live.
What you want to become.
Who you choose to be after everything doesn’t go your way.

Are you someone who learns, takes accountability, and tries again?
Or someone who runs away and gives up?

(And trust me… I say this as someone who has already planned her “run away from life and disappear somewhere” plan multiple times lately😭)

But somehow… I’m still here.

Still trying.
Still figuring things out.

And maybe that’s what this really is,
not becoming someone new…

but slowly, painfully, honestly,
outgrowing a version of me I once protected.

Anindita Rath
@scrambledwriter

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